32 ways to annoyRoy Mustang!
by Dontmezwitme
Summary: A partially insane girl is terrorizing Roy Mustang. T for language. WARNING- Obscure references and frequent deviations from the non-existent plot line.
1. Chapter 1

**32 ways to annoy…Roy Mustang!**

**1) Call him a wet match. This is the obvious one.**

**2) Post posters all around Central talking about the play, "The Useless wet Match! Starring Roy Mustang, Flame Alchemist!"**

**3) Make him join an Edward Elric fan club.**

**4) Tell Ed about it.**

**5) Tell Riza.**

**6) Scream loudly every time you see him and perform a barrel roll.**

**7) Loudly deny that you just did this.**

**8) Steal his gloves and wreak havoc all over HQ.**

**9) Blame Roy.**

**10) Set Roy up on a blind date with Black Hayate.**

**11) Compose a fake diary entry in his diary/planner/journal saying…disturbing things…about Riza.**

**12) Show Riza.**

**13) In no way help him while Riza's gunning him down with hot lead.**

**14) Replace all of his clothes with a regular shirt…and a hot pink miniskirt.**

**15) Right before the yearly exam.**

**16) Erect statues of the Colonel with a miniskirt all over Central with Ed and Al.**

**17) Set fire to the paperwork he just finished.**

**18) Blame spontaneous combustion. See if he cries.**

**19) Find every girl that he's ever gone out with and tell them he's actually gay for Hughes.**

**20) Give them his address and phone number.**

**21) Bring Hughes back to life and tell him this news.**

**22) Watch with interest at what happens.**

**23) Plot fake mutiny with Breda, Havoc and Falman.**

**24) Exclude Fuery because he's too innocent.**

**25) Take over Fuery's station and put in a country-wide broadcast that Roy has overthrown the Fuhrer.**

**26) A few hours later, say 'Just kidding!'**

**27) Persuade the Fuhrer to become Fuhrer for the day.**

**28) Tell Roy. See how many ways he tries to bribe you to make it mandatory miniskirt day.**

**29) Pretend to kill Riza, and take a video tape on Roy's love confession. Tell him that Riza is not dead.**

**30) Make copies and sell it to the fangirls on EBay.**

**31) Give the tape to Riza.**

**32) If he isn't driven insane, then reenact 'Bothering Snape' with Ed and/or the Authoress.

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**I have permission from The One called Demetra to use this format. I did not rip off any of these ideas (except for the fanclub and the clothes-that's influenced as well.)**


	2. It begins

**Wow! I can't believe people actually read this crap! Thank you!~So now someone's going to act out all of the items on the list...muahaha....

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A Certain Person by the name of Miri was busy annoying the hell out of Ed. Then, the Authoress was bored of writing that, simply because it was too easy, and came down in person on a beam of holy pink light. Said Authoress cursed fluently at the Holy Lights people for replacing the green slide with pink. She cut their wages. They were not happy.

"Hi, Jessie!" said Miri, and hugged the Authoress. The Authoress grumbled for a little, patted her head and said, "You're a good kid." In the meanwhile, Ed had run away. Pink lights did not bode well for ANYONE.

"Miri, I'm writing a fic about annoying Roy, and since I can't use myself, or an alternate version of myself(1), I need you to do it."

Miri looked troubled. "But, I'm already in FMA-verse, and I can't annoy two people well at once. I'll need to abandon annoying Ed."

The Authoress saw the wisdom of this statement, and pondered. Then, she said, "Screw it, bring Tasha. We'll give her the list and see what happens. She's been moldering away for a while."

And so, Tasha was brought from her dusty corner of the Anne of Green Gables fanfiction, and agreed to the terms. She was last seen cackling evilly and looking over a piece of paper with glee.

**1) ****Call him a wet match, the most obvious slur.**

Tasha was granted the teleportation power for the duration of the fic, and transported herself into Roy's office. He stared at a small, Japanese girl who had suddenly appeared in his office. She grinned widely, and said,

"Geez, what's a wet match like you doing in an office like this?" And she threw a bucket of water over him, teleporting herself to the safe house.

Roy sat there for a few seconds in a stupor. Then in a volume that was heard all over Central, he yelled,

"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!"

2) **Post posters all around Central talking about the play, "The Useless wet Match! Starring Roy Mustang, Flame Alchemist!"**

"Look, the bucket was a nice touch, but try not to overdo it this time." The Authoress paused.

"Actually, overdo it. For the lulz." Tasha saluted and walked off on her merry way to make the Colonel's life hell.

After ten hours, twenty five minutes and seven seconds, the posters were made, put up, admired, and laughed about.

It took Roy two seconds to know who did it.

He walked to the safe house (A.K.A Ed and Al's house) and pounded on the door, yelling, "IF YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOOD FOR YOU, FULLMETAL SHRIMP, GIVE ME THE GIRL SO THAT-" And at once, Ed had opened the window, jumped out and planted a fist in the general direction of the Colonel's shoes in one smooth movement.

"HOW DARE YOU CALL ME SO SMALL THAT I CAN LIVE ON A GRAIN OF SAND!"

The fighting continued for a little while, and then it was ended by Tasha herself. Knowing that if she stepped outside, she would be screwed, she instead threw an authentic Mary Sue through the window. Roy and Ed killed her violently, and then forgot completely what they were fighting about. They shook hands with each other, and Roy walked halfway to his house before remembering why he had gone in the first place.

**3) ****Make him join an Edward Elric fan club.**

"Hey, Roy," Tasha kicked the door open and sat menacingly on his floor. "I need to ask you a question."

"42," answered Roy immediately.

"Wrong. 51. But anyways, I need you to go join an Edward Elric fanclub." She said. She then hovered in the air around two feet off the ground, still in a cross-legged position.

"And what if I say no?" He asked warily.

She grinned, and was about to light his finished paperwork on fire. Then she frowned, whipped out a piece of paper, and swore. She tucked the paper back into her pocket and said, "I am a nearly omnipotent being with the power to levitate and teleport. You. Do Not. Want. To. Fuck. With. Me."

Roy shivered, and he quickly found a group of the Resembool Rangers, who were busy trying to convert some Kitty Patrolers(2). He joined them, and soon became President.

**4) ****Tell Ed about it.**

Tasha spoke into her communicator, "One to beam up." She was bashed over the head for obscure Star Trek references and was beamed to the Elric's temporary apartment. She grinned evilly. Then she walked into the living room and by the power of Deus ex Machina, found Ed reading a book without Al near him. She whispered something in his ear, and he bolted upright, threw the book across the room and jumped out the window.

Sighing, Tasha moved to pick up the book, and then she translocated to Hawkeye's apartment.

**5) ****Tell Riza.**

"Hey, Riz-" Tasha called. She was interrupted with a gun to the head.

"Tell me who you are, how you got in here, and-oh, wait. Sorry, Tasha." The gun was brought back, and the Authoress concentrated hard on a new hat. She got a derby(3).

"Damn you, I need my Yankees hat!" she plucked a cap out of the air and sighed happily. Then she realized that she was wasting space with these sentences.

Tasha glared at the Authoress and her new cap before going back to Hawkeye.

"Hey, Riza. Do you know that Roy's joined the Edward Elric fan club?"

She quickly beamed to Roy's office and hid behind a curtain. She watched while the Colonel sighed, yawned, and complained through his paperwork. Then the door burst open and two irate blonds strode down the aisle and started yelling at the Flame Alchemist.

Tasha stepped out from behind the curtain and passed popcorn to Havoc, Fury, Breda and Falman. While they watched the epic argument, which involved Roy being thrown out the window and shot at, they thanked the Authoress for thinking up this particular item on the list. She threw them more popcorn, and then marveled at her creation.

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**shanksXbrookfan6, Kamati27****, colorfulquirkcutieanimefan, peaceofmindalchemist****: Thanks for the favorite! It's much appreciated! Cool pen names!**

**1) Sorry guys, Dem does this as well. Much as I want to do this as an alter form, I can't use it.**

**2) Kitty Patrolers- Alphonse Elric fanclub. I realized he didn't have one...**

**3) If anyone at ALL gets this reference, then...I'll use your OC in the story with your permission!  
**


	3. In which vodka is mentioned

**Yup, another chapter! I apologize about not updating, etc. etc., but really, who reads this? Also, if you pick up even ONE of these references, (and references are numbered, so if you do get it, then you have to put in the number and where it comes from in the PM or review), you get to have your character commit a Random Acts of Evil That Are Mildly Disturbing®, that you think up yourself. First three people who get it. Name, Anime, and whether it was opening one or two, or ending three or four, etc.**

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Tasha summoned the Authoress, using a strange and vaguely frightening way to call her.

"LOOK! IT'S A NEW PARODY FIC!" The Authoress came immediately.

"…damnit. You just lured me here with your _words_." She said.

"Yup. So why no holy beam of light?" Tasha asked.

"They only have the pink slide. I can't use plain white, though, God and UL­ (1) called dibs on it."

"Right. Anyways, I need intangibility. For this next one."

"FINE. Be that way."

**1) ****Scream loudly every time you see him and perform a barrel roll.**

Roy was, for the sake of the non-existent plot, walking around HQ. Just walking. On his break. Trying to pick up some women. He, at one point, passed the doorway. Then Tasha came out, saw him, and screamed. Everyone turned around to see an Oriental girl scream 'MUSTANG!' and do a barrel roll. Into the wall. And when they reported it, it was dismissed, because going through a wall and going out the other side without damaging the walls was scientifically impossible.

Unfortunately, the Authoress had already done many scientifically impossible things, like getting drunk on Sprite, so therefore it was possible. Just not scientifically so.

When asked about the Sprite episode, she will look confused and back away slowly. So don't ask.

It was getting pretty fun for Tasha, though, because she would lurk around Roy's office, and whenever he would walk in to try and complete his paperwork, she would scream shrilly and barrel roll into the wall. As was stated beforehand. Roy soon avoided his office, developing a near-steady twitch and jumping a little every time he saw someone who looked even remotely like Tasha.

**2) ****Loudly deny you just did this.**

When Tasha was confronted by Roy about this, mainly because everyone would do so at this point, she would yell,

"I'm not a ghost, damnit! How the hell would I go through a wall?" To demonstrate, she would rap her knuckles against the wall. They did not go through, and Roy was amazed. He even shoved her at a wall once while she was off-guard, but she just bounced straight back. Because of his nervousness, he never completed his paperwork.

Unfortunately, if Roy was fired, it would be unlulzy, and so Tasha would stay out of the office for a day or two at a time, staying outside and betting on when Mustang would go into a nervous breakdown. Tasha bet 10 cenz on a week. Everyone else bet against her. She continued to go through walls in a highly amusing manner, though not as frequently.

Hawkeye would patrol the walls for Roy for months afterward, so that if SHE appeared, Riza would throw her right back.

**3) ****Steal his gloves and wreak havoc all over HQ.**

While Roy was out explaining to his therapist how thirteen year olds were evil and had intangibility, Tasha explored his office. On account of a bet, she had to steal his gloves. Tasha not that well acquainted with FMA-verse was understandably confused. Therefore, when she found his gloves, she immediately ran straight back out and asked,

"So what do I do with these?"

Breda, being the lovable Breda that he is, grinned widely. "Well, you know," he said. "Snap your fingers."

Tasha did so, and a tiny spark came out. Her eyes widened, because a) she was a science nerd, and b) she understood that the circles were activated by snapping, and she could now change the atmosphere.

Breda, Fuery, Havoc and Falman immediately dove for cover.

Tasha ran around, snapping, and the entire building shook each time. At first, the military thought that there was an enemy force. Then they speculated that the homunculi were at it. Then finally, they were all nearly tragically killed in an accident involving a half-crazed Oriental girl who was drunk on power.

Lots and LOTS of power. And some vodka that she downed by accident, trying to breathe fire.

Soon, she was sitting in a chair, snapping at anything that moved. And a few that she thought moved, including a few benches and a very insulting piece of dust. Then she started singing random J-pop songs.

"_Kimi no te de~" _she started off with (2). Then she frowned, snapped at one of the purple horses, and sang the middle of the next song. "Fairy Blue _kimi no tame ni~ Hoshi wo kudaki~ Kakari Tsuketa~~"_(3)

She then snapped out of her drunken stupor because the Authoress realized that she was only thirteen, and ran off.

**4) ****Blame Roy.**

After she placed the gloves in Roy's desk, she ran to the Führer's office and submitted some evidence on Roy's blowing up of HQ.

Unfortunately, she was not believed, merely because the people in the military Actually Have Brains and a Working Set of Eyes, unlike ninjas. On the other hand they have no tolerance for the song Marukaite Chikyuu (4) being sung thirty times in a row, and that was how she escaped.

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**Yes. I know. This is turning into more of a contest to see how many references I can jam in. Fortunately for you readers who hate that crap, this is the last chapter I'm doing it in. Mainly because the second reference is probably going to be jumped on very, very fast.**

**Thank you to all the people who put me on story alert and fav'd!**

**NarutoxTemarixKyuubi- You really don't have to. It's an obscure, obscure reference. But, the book is awesome, I just want to see how many people had read it. Thanks for reviewing!  
**

**Peaceofmindalchemist- thank you! It's not that great, and I should've crammed a few more jokes in, but oh well.  
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	4. Miniskirt Army's leader

**Wow, guys! It's kind of cool that no-one's jumped on the second reference last chapter! Amazing! And yes, there's going to be more references, but I've toned them down. ;)  
Anyways, two more spots, and one I _might_ give to peaceofmindalchemist, merely because she is made of win for reviewing ALL my chapters! (except for the list). Man, that's kinda sad, but I don't care!  
I'm a review whore, damnit! I need the love!**

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**10) ****Set Roy up on a blind date with Black Hayate.**

To be truthful, Tasha was not sure she could really pull this one off.

There was going to be moral dilemmas, not to mention that there was probably going to be cross-species crack. Plus, there was the possibility that Black Hayate wouldn't agree. She didn't blame him.

After playing with him, giving him multiple kippers, and the ability to understand human humor, parody, and all-around awesomeness, he agreed. With a few terms.

a) He was the boyfriend in the relationship.

b) No second base.

And _that_ was after hours of bargaining. Succumbing to the canine will, Tasha ran out the door, an evil smile on her face.

She cornered Roy, and said "I've got a blind date for you~"

Roy agreed. Not because he _wanted_ to go on the date. Because Tasha was holding a rather large sword in her hand and had the "I will kill you eventually but you're too fun to screw around with" face on.

So he waited at a table, monitored by Tasha from the background. Since the Authoress loves torturing her characters, and because it was a fancy restaurant, she had a dress on. Anyone who commented on it was quickly punched in the gut and left for dead.

When Roy's back was turned because he was busy tracking every woman in the place, Black Hayate jumped into the seat opposite him, a bunch of roses in his mouth. He put them on the table and barked.

Roy spun around, and on seeing the small canine, with roses, he was wondering just how many drugs Tasha slipped him.

(For the record, she didn't. There were no marijuana plants around, so nothing to get him high with. Also, the Authoress draws the line at drunkenness. DRUGS ARE BAD NEWS.)

And so after getting reacquainted with the cross-species, homosexual dog, their date went smashingly. Roy only tried to run away every few minutes. And at the end, Black Hayate trotted over to Tasha, and nudged her.

"Oh, sure." She said to him. She walked over to Roy and said with a straight face, "Dude, Black Hayate has decided that…you're not his type. He still hopes that you can be a friend."

Roy stared blankly at her, wondering when his life had included dogs that turned him down on dates.

**11) ****Compose a fake diary entry in his diary/planner/journal saying…disturbing things…about Riza.**

Tasha made a face at the rather messed-up piece of paper in her hand. She wasn't a pervert, and didn't plan to be. She had to call in some extra help.

"Hey, Shigure!" she shouted.

"Yes?" he said, materializing in the room. For any of you who have no idea who he is, that's okay. It's better if you don't. He was the best perverted person the Authoress could find on short notice. Fruits Basket scarred the Authoress for _years_.

"Write something smutty about this person!" she commanded, putting Roy's planner down along with the most flattering picture of Riza she could find. Granted, it was a graduation picture, but it was the best she could do.

"Oh, wow!" he said, eyes shining. "I'll get on it!" He immediately started scribbling on Roy's diary in a fairly good imitation of the man's handwriting. With pictures.

**12) ****Show Riza.**

Since the entire joke would be wasted if Roy found his planner ahead of time, she snatched it just as he reached for it and ran off, going through a wall for good measure.

When she got to Riza's desk, she dumped the planner, flipped it to the right page, and showed it to her, and then teleported to Roy's office.

Riza first turned red, then purple, an interesting shade of blue, and finally settled on snow-white. She grabbed the planner and a few of her guns and sprinted to Roy's room and slammed down the poor book. Of course, when Mustang read what was on it, he was extremely scarred for life as well. Leading Tasha to the conclusion that Shigure must've given it his _all_.

**13) ****In no way help him while Riza's gunning him down with hot lead.**

Tasha watched as Roy ran around the office, through the window, and around the secluded courtyard to escape the pissed-off Hawkeye. It may be noted right now that not only was it disturbing to see the normally calm First Lt. angry, it was freaking scary. It made everyone shiver. On top of that, she was actually silent with rage, not able to say anything, _that's_ how pissed off she was.

Breda, Falman, Fuery, and Havoc were busy reading what was in the planner. Even the rather lewd Havoc was blushing.

"Hey, Tasha, this isn't something that you'd do. I mean, you're not THIS perverted."

"It wasn't me, and I really don't want to know what's in there."

**14) ****Replace all of his clothes with a regular shirt…and a hot pink miniskirt...**

A few weeks after the 'incident', in which Mustang was nursing his wounded pride and his wounded foot, which the lieutenant had shot through. It had been painful, but the meaning had been clear-

Any and all romantic advances in that fashion and he wouldn't live to see the next sunrise.

Obviously, Roy was scared. Shitless.

So when he limped back to his apartment and collapsed his bed, thinking about chemical equations, he didn't wonder why his closet door was slowly closing. Or why there was a suspicious flash of pink inside it.

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When he woke up, his first thought was to take a shower and get changed. Doing so, he walked out of the bathroom and opened his closet. And stood there. And stood there.

Surely there was a limit to how much evil one little girl could do.

In his closet, there were two coat hangers- one was a perfectly respectable white shirt, and the top bit of the military uniform. Clean, pressed, probably completely dry cleaned.

However, the second hanger…

A bright pink miniskirt that would just barely cover his upper thighs.

This was not his day.

**15) ****…Right before the yearly exam.**

On top of that, he couldn't call anyone for extra clothes, or be called a cross-dresser, and Hawkeye would _definitely _misunderstand. And he did have to go out. If he skipped the yearly assessment, he was kissing his dreams of becoming Führer goodbye.

Damnit.

This was screwed up.

So far, he'd been laughed at and taken a picture of many, _many_ times. From now on, he was going to lock his closet, conveniently forgetting that he had. The devil child had simply translocated inside the closet and kicked her way out.

Tasha was among the foremost to get pictures. Because the Authoress had not taken it back yet, she still had intangibility. She would follow him silently, and then stick her torso out and snap a picture. She would have gotten on well with Hughes, but unfortunately, because she had to keep some semblance of canon in the fic, the Authoress had elected to keep him dead.

The Authoress was displeased.

But there was a limit to how much you can screw with canon.

While Roy made a very good contribution to the yearly exams and had every gay guy in Amestris eyeing his skirt, Tasha sold most of the pictures on eBay. There was controversy on the site that they were real. They were proven wrong.

**16) ****Erect statues of the Colonel with a miniskirt all over Central with Ed and Al.**

"Come _on_, Ed. You know alchemy, and I don't. At least, y'know, I can create cubes. That's it. And that's with lots of preparation." said Tasha. Ed looked around, as if seeking guidance from Al and his new kitten. He got none. Except that the kitten gave him a lick.

"Why should I?" he asked warily.

"If you do," Tasha said slowly, thinking fast. "If you do than imagine the Colonel's face-"

"Done. Let's go! We haven't got all day!" shouted Ed.

There was incredulity in the streets when, in the morning after the Colonel's famous miniskirt assessment, there were statues of him everywhere. With the miniskirt. All in the same pose- tall, straight backed, and trying to make the skirt longer somehow by pulling on it as surreptitiously as possible. It was a truly amusing picture to behold. Of course, Roy had to act extra-manly for the next few months. Very, very manly.

Ever since that day, Hawkeye forgave Mustang, because he was publicly humiliated, and thought that he didn't deserve any more bashing.

She also bought one of the pictures.

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**Hey guys! Thanks for faving and story alerting! I won't mention your names, because my sister freaking deleted all of my inbox messages, (damn her to hell), but I do have the reviews.**

**peaceofmindalchemist- Thanks, dude. You are awesome. Here is the update! Hooha!**

**Sacalow- OHMYFREAKINGGODSOMEONEGOTIT. I can die happy now.**** The Belgariad _is_ an awesome series.  
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	5. Roy is screwed over

**In this installment of this fic, I made Roy slightly OOC and tortured him immensely. I have no regrets. BY THE WAY: the contest is closed. Sacalow, peaceofmindalchemist, ARiN, iTorchic, and tinytokirarabbit, you've WON. [okay, yes, admittidly they were only included because they were the ONLY ONES WHO REMOTELY TRIED. By the way, please correct me if I forgot you]. You have to comment or PM me before Christmas (preferably) to let me know what your character looks like, that you accept, you are an awesome writer, etc. Thank you and enjoy. P.S, if you wanted to know why I was gone so long, two words- Midterm. Exams. We start prepping early. *shudder*  


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****1) ****Set fire to the paperwork he just finished.**

"Paperwork, paperwork, go away, please…HAH!" Roy said, signing the very last document in the inbox. He placed it smugly in the 'out' box and walked outside of his office, whistling and innocent. Well, as innocent as Roy can be. The Authoress points out that he's _Roy_.

Tasha, of course, used the plot device to sneak into his office, deeming it necessary to sneak instead of walking through the wall-but then, that would've been too damn easy.

And so, the paperwork met a tragic end. It held valiantly against the flames for .3298 seconds before crumpling into dirty grey ashes.

All done before Roy's horrified eyes.

While some people might think that weird that he had gone out of the office and then materialized when going back in, the Authoress must digress; she is a shitty writer and this is a crackfic. End of discussion.

**2) ****Blame spontaneous combustion. See if he cries.**

"Wow, look!" said Tasha gleefully. "Spontaneous combustion! I thought that it only happens in movies."

Roy lowered his head into his hands, wondering just how many hours he was going to be forced to spend to make up for the work he just lost. He felt his shoulders shake and bend from the strain and he completely broke down, sobbing.

Because the papers she had burned was the petition for a "Be Führer for a Day!"

**3) ****Find every girl that he's ever gone out with and tell them he's actually gay for Hughes.**

"Oh. Shit."

There was no way in hell that she was going to do this. The reason?

The Authoress had compiled a gigantic list of all the girls he had ever gone out with. Since he went out with a different girl every month, and he hasn't been single for more than 5 months since he was 17, plus he started dating when he was 14…

He was getting around town, that was certain. And Tasha needed an army. A frickin' army.

She proceeded to round up all of the men whose girlfriends were stolen by Mustang.

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When she and the men who'd accompanied her had rounded up all of the girls, they were herded into the main courtyard of HQ. Stepping up on a makeshift stage of three tomato crates piled on top of each other, she took out a megaphone and said,

"You all know Roy Mustang."

There was a pause as cat-calls, booing, and snarky comments erupted from the crowd.

"Well, just to let you know; he's actually gay for Hughes. He was screwing. Over. All. Of. You.

**4) ****Give them his address and phone number.**

"He lives XXXX XXX XXXX and his phone number is XXXX XXXX. May you go in peace."

**5) ****Bring Hughes back to life and tell him this news.**

Tasha ascended the hill where a Lieutenant Colonel was buried. She reached the top and turned to the white-gloved mouse beside her.

"So you've got the Disney Magic©, right?"

"You betcha!" said the mouse cheerily.

"Do you really talk like that or is it a habit?" she asked, curious.

Mickey Mouse shivered and looked over his shoulder.

"If we don't, we are…taken. The ones who are taken are given back…but something's not quite right with them." he whispered.

Tasha tried her best not to laugh at it, even though the Mouse was in earnest and he was in fetal position, muttering, "Please, no…I'll be happy…you betcha…you betcha…oh boy…"

The Mouse was snapped out of it and using the extremely potent Disney Magic©, he called up Hughes into the exact flesh-blood-replica of his body that the Mouse had made beforehand. Waving goodbye to Mickey, Tasha quickly clicked off a round of camera tape to make sure she had good ghost pictures to send home.

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"Wow! I never knew that people used cameras like that anymore!" said Hughes happily. "You're a girl after my own heart!" He proceeded to pound Tasha on the back while guffawing and bragging about his family.

"Wait-Hughes-" she gasped between the thumping, "That-really-hurts!-"

**6) ****Watch with interest at what happens.**

After Tasha told Hughes of Roy's (fake) feelings, she ran. Far away. Not too far that she couldn't hear Hughes' shout of pure rage.

Since the events that had taken place were numerous and slightly abstracted, I will refer to a newspaper article that never got published due to a slightly irate Flame Alchemist. Well. Maybe that was an understatement.

"…and in other news, the Flame Alchemist was assaulted today by a horde of shrieking females, all of which were pretty and insane. This reporter has reliable news that the girls had laid traps in his apartment and in his office, heading him off in a pincer movement that made him fully susceptible to the army's foot soldiers. Half were led by Tasha, a fourteen year old girl who denies having been with Colonel Mustang. The other half was led by an unknown man, thought to be Lieutenant Colonel Maes Hughes, though of course he cannot be, since he is dead.

"The traps at his apartment were marvelously constructed; they involved pulley systems, levers, buckets of water and lots of bicarbonate soda and vinegar. The resulting explosion blew out the apartment block and created a runny foam to splatter everywhere in a two-mile radius. In the two mile radius, Roy Mustang was seen shaking violently because his gloves were soggy. From the start, he was absolutely defenseless. The girls swarmed out of his apartment and ran towards him, rather melodramatically since he was in a square. From the other side, a wave of other girls, led by the as-yet unidentified man, broke through and surrounded him.

"The girl, Tasha, and the man, joined somewhere by a First Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye, stared him down. What was said could not be conveyed since my source was laughing too hard and could not tell me what happened. Judging from what happened later, the exchange was significantly trying for Colonel Mustang, since he was seen in his office a few days later pounding his head on his desk and muttering "I'm not gay-I'm not gay-I'm not gay-"

"This reporter believes that the man leading the second half of the army thought that Mustang was…erm…'gay' for him."

Tasha cackled with mirth as she posted the article to the Authoress. This, she believed, was her best act yet.

**Hughes----**

"Goodbye," he whispered softly into his little girl's hair. She stirred and murmured in her sleep, grinning.

Hughes smiled sadly and turned to the window.

All that is left is an open window with curtains blowing, and a stray feather landing on a girl's cheek.

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**Sorry for the last bit. Hughes was only meant to appear in this chapter.**

**ARiN-Thank. God. I love you. You know Hetalia. There is hope in the world. When I read your reviews I thought, "Screw exams, this has to get out there." MARUKAITE CHIKYUU! ORE IGIRISU! AAH HITOFUDEDE MIERU SUBARASHII SEKAII! *hummms this part* IGIRISU! (England's version |D)  
**

**Half Human Homunculi- *is in utter shock someone is laughing that hard***

**iTorchic- She sounds cool. Yes, you can.**

**Peaceofmindalchemist- *hugs* THANK YOU.  
**

**Sonar-Thanks, you're awesome.  
**


	6. In which the chapter is edited heavily

**23) ****Plot fake mutiny with Breda, Havoc and Falman.**

"Okay, so this is what we'll do…" whispered Tasha. She looked around the circle of twenty-five year old men and held up one finger.

"First, we're going to drive him completely insane by meeting each other here, and draw obvious plans to get his gloves. Next, we're going to have a look of panic on our faces whenever he addresses us directly. Thirdly-"

Havoc interrupted. "How about we call you boss and grin at each other whenever he's in the room? Like we're going to jump him?"

Tasha paused. "That's not a bad idea." She instructed them on how to look as guilty and sullen as possible. "Slouch and mutter what _he's _gonna think are obscenities. Don't look him in the eyes. Get into the character of an unhappy subordinate."

Breda slouched, muttered, and avoided Mustang. "I think I'll pursue a career in acting." He breathed.

Havoc tried very hard not to laugh. Breda resembled a toad when he tried grimacing.

---

"Hawkeye?"

"Yes, Colonel?" answered Riza.

"The men are looking at each other. Suspiciously."

Riza sighed. She knew her boss was getting mentally cracked because of the strain of having Tasha around, but this was simply going too far. The walls were weird but the men were so far uncontaminated.

"Look, Colonel, if the men happen to like that sort of thing, they are fully-" she was cut off by Roy striding down the aisle and fixing a stare on Falman. Tasha and the others groaned inwardly. Falman couldn't lie for dog biscuits.

"Warrant Officer Falman, what are you and my other subordinates doing?" Roy growled, a manic gleam in his eye. In an almost heroic effort, Falman looked at Tasha and then Roy with blind panic on his face and stuttered, "N-nothing, sir. W-We were j-just betting whe-when Havoc was going t-to lose his n-newest girlfriend."

Roy looked a little disappointed and skeptical. He walked out and got back to his desk; almost missing Falman whisper to Tasha, "So what do we do now, boss?"

Tasha grinned.

"We need to draw up jobs for everyone."

**24) ****Exclude Fuery because he's too innocent.**

"What about me?" asked Fuery. His ignorance and youth and damned _cuteness_ shone through his face like a beacon.

In the face of such purity, the corrupt ones stared blankly at him.

"Too innocent." They chorused.

Fuery's eyes watered and filled as he looked up at them pleadingly.

"Please…?" he quavered.

The corrupt ones stood no chance. They invited him in their plot to fake mutiny.

**25) ****Take over Fuery's station and put in a country-wide broadcast that Roy has overthrown the Fuhrer.**

"Hey, Tasha…" said Fuery.

"Yes?" she asked.

"I'm just thinking…isn't this a lot like _real_ mutiny? We're framing Colonel Mustang and I think that-"

Tasha cut him off. "Who's the boss here? Me. Who's the person with the plan? Me. Who has omnipotent and godlike powers?"

Fuery sighed. "You."

Tasha grinned in reply and made him put in the broadcast; Soon the nation of Amestris was in pandemonium. It just so happened to be the day the Führer took off without telling anyone where he went. The Authoress hid her plot device behind her back and whistled innocently.

Mobs broke out onto the street, women and children locked themselves into the rooms, able men barricaded the door with furniture; shops closed and there was a Central-wide police force searching for Roy Mustang. Central Headquarters was searched and turned inside-out in order to find either the Führer or Roy.

Roy Mustang was apprehended in a bakery store and brought to trial. It was just and even-minded. Kind of like how the sky happens to be bright orange and pigs fly.

**26) ****A few hours later, say 'Just kidding!'**

"Tasha-Lu-you-_bitch-_" ground out Mustang, someone's boot crushing his head.

"I'm _so _sorry, what was that? A confession?" asked the officer. He bent down and let his bad breath wash over Roy's face.

"Oh, you wait, buddy boy. There's going to be so much in store for you in prison." The officer grinned nastily, giving Roy even more incentive to kill Tasha.

Just then the radio crackled and a cheery female voice chirped- "Calling all Amestrians! Radios on, everyone! Turns out that Roy _didn't_ overthrow the Führer! He's safe and sound! Right, Führer?"

"Yes, I'm sorry about the confusion." The Führer's smooth voice took over. "I apologize for the inconvenience. Roy's completely innocent, it seems...I do hope no one was inconvenienced by my sudden holiday. This young lady here…"

The officer- a lowly Lt. Colonel-paled as Roy stood up and yanked on his gloves.

"L-listen, sir, this is all a _big_ misunderstanding-" he stammered. Roy's eyes sparked dangerously and he brought his fingers together.

There was one less Lt. Colonel in Amestris that day.

**27) ****Persuade the Fuhrer for _you_ to become Fuhrer for the day. (I apologize if this wasn't entirely clear…)**

"Please, Führer? It'll be worth your time, I _promise_." begged Tasha. She looked at him in supplication.

"Depends. Do you know I'm a homunculus?" he asked bluntly.

"Yup. Won't breathe a word of it to anyone. So can I be Führer for a day? I won't do anything _too_ outrageous." She asked, brushing aside the fact that the ruler of a country was an UNGODLY MONSTER OUT OF HIS MIND-no, wait, that's Stalin. Carry on, please.

Tasha glared at the authoress' unsavory joke about Russian Dictators and turned her rapt attention back to trying to con the Führer out of his job.

The Führer himself was looking a little astonished by the fact he'd been brushed off so easily. He got over it and laughed good-naturedly.

"You're a likely young lady. Okay then, go ahead. This will be interesting." he remarked. He launched into a speech about the Führer's jobs and mission statement. She twiddled her fingers and replied, "Uh-huh, sure, as long as I get the job" in the pauses provided. In the end the Führer gave up and let her wear the honorary mustache.

That's right. The Führer has fake mustaches.

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**Here we are; that'll make your reading a little better. I should've waited a bit and edited and added more stuff but yesterday I got excited and tapped it all down because the inspiration bug hates it when I'm idle and doing homework.  
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